Pictures

Scrolling through tinder, okcupid, skout, lets date, etc etc blah blah...is such a hilarious experience sometimes.

Oh, you're holding a red solo cup? You must be the life of the party.

Oh, you're wearing sunglasses indoors? You look so cool. No, really.

Oh, you're topless on a beach/boat/pool/lake and you also just happen to have washboard abs? Of course you don't look egotistical. That might actually work on some girls.

You're flipping yourself off while taking a selfie in your bathroom mirror? So badass! Also, judging by the floral shower curtain, you could always step out and ask your mother to take your picture for you, so you don't have to capture the toothpaste splatters on the mirror. By the way, Clorox wipes are godsends.

Oh, who's that beautiful hot girl with her arm around your waist? I'm sure she's your sister. Oh look, there's another one in the next picture. And you have 2 girls on both sides of you in your last picture. You must be such a boss. There's no way she's your ex-girlfriend you're trying to replace by being on these hook-up apps. No...

Um, unfortunately all of you pictures are group pictures, and I don't know who you are. So I'm just going to assume you're the ugly one.

Wow, you're surfing! Now your riding a dirt bike! You ran a marathon! Wow, you must be sooooo active. I'm sure you want a physically fit girl who can join you on your steep mountain climbs and bench press as much as you, and any girl who frowns at the idea of exercise must be a complete and utter fat slob to you.

Oh look at the deer you just killed- your hands are still fresh with its blood! Because there's nothing sexier to me than a boy who had to disembowel a deer, and lived with its skinned head hanging on his roof dripping down blood for a week.

Not one picture of your face. I see your dog, your bike/car, you facing away from the camera and your backyard. Once again, I'm gonna assume you're ugly.

All selfies. I'm sure you have lots of friends.




Sarcasm, bitch. Do you speak it?

I have come to realize that I, the girl who used to be the biggest romantic, has become bitter and cynical. That's what loving someone will do to ya, folks. Stay safe, don't date an asshole.