Pictures

Scrolling through tinder, okcupid, skout, lets date, etc etc blah blah...is such a hilarious experience sometimes.

Oh, you're holding a red solo cup? You must be the life of the party.

Oh, you're wearing sunglasses indoors? You look so cool. No, really.

Oh, you're topless on a beach/boat/pool/lake and you also just happen to have washboard abs? Of course you don't look egotistical. That might actually work on some girls.

You're flipping yourself off while taking a selfie in your bathroom mirror? So badass! Also, judging by the floral shower curtain, you could always step out and ask your mother to take your picture for you, so you don't have to capture the toothpaste splatters on the mirror. By the way, Clorox wipes are godsends.

Oh, who's that beautiful hot girl with her arm around your waist? I'm sure she's your sister. Oh look, there's another one in the next picture. And you have 2 girls on both sides of you in your last picture. You must be such a boss. There's no way she's your ex-girlfriend you're trying to replace by being on these hook-up apps. No...

Um, unfortunately all of you pictures are group pictures, and I don't know who you are. So I'm just going to assume you're the ugly one.

Wow, you're surfing! Now your riding a dirt bike! You ran a marathon! Wow, you must be sooooo active. I'm sure you want a physically fit girl who can join you on your steep mountain climbs and bench press as much as you, and any girl who frowns at the idea of exercise must be a complete and utter fat slob to you.

Oh look at the deer you just killed- your hands are still fresh with its blood! Because there's nothing sexier to me than a boy who had to disembowel a deer, and lived with its skinned head hanging on his roof dripping down blood for a week.

Not one picture of your face. I see your dog, your bike/car, you facing away from the camera and your backyard. Once again, I'm gonna assume you're ugly.

All selfies. I'm sure you have lots of friends.




Sarcasm, bitch. Do you speak it?

I have come to realize that I, the girl who used to be the biggest romantic, has become bitter and cynical. That's what loving someone will do to ya, folks. Stay safe, don't date an asshole.

The Necromancer

My friend says, “He’s rock-n-roll and a baller.” Neither is particularly attractive, but friend’s strengths do not include verbal character descriptions. They do include persuasion.

I figure I’ll just pass on trying to glean more info from my friend and agree to him receiving my number.

Recall of how well set-ups work for me?

Well… this time I decided to try and cut my losses by behavior-modeling E. She's online dating. She checks out a profile, if he's a possibility meets for happy hour, and doesn't waste time chatting beforehand. That way she’s only wastes an hour.

He texts me. I give him a time next week to meet for happy hour. No Googling, character witnesses, and prior cross-examination.

The “just give him a chance” set-up proceeds to sporadically text me across the next few days fussing for me to meet “Mr. Right” sooner.

“No”

Next, he sends picture of his chopper and threatens to put me on the back. And, yes, there are flames on it.

A) I prefer street bikes, but do not share this potential ego blow. Instead I write B), “I would only get on if you were teaching me to ride it myself.”

He’s claiming to not be like these “other LA boys” when I walk into E’s place.

I cannot help but smirk at the absurdity of this banter. E asks who I’m texting and I describe my attempt following her example with this set-up.

E jumps out of her seat when she hears his last name, "You didn't tell me this story had a punch line!"

Try not Googling someone after that.

Try not cross-examining a date who’s had negative press.

Furthermore, E shot him for a magazine and provides me with the character description. Apparently, we have great potential.

Prior Cross-Examination: Fail

Googling: Fail

Character Witness: Fail

The Necromancer showed up to our date on a chopper, wearing sparkly skulls, and snakeskin.

He was raised in Hollywood.

He's brilliant supposedly.

He may also be the pushiest person I ever met. 

Is there a stamp on my forehead that says, "I will accept a social-emotionally stunted person if they are supported by a parent who made an exorbitant amount of money?" Not that I can really judge accepting parents' help...

The Necromancer says, “So we aren’t so bold without a phone to hide behind are we?”

You try not being self-conscious sitting next to some guy who looks like he did heroin backstage in the eighties. Again with the set-up dilemma… This time I’m in a black casting dress and manage to ask a few questions.

My “date” is more of a monologue audience.

And somehow I screw-up answering one of the few questions I receive regarding if I have plans Friday.

Do I want to go get another drink at the Belmont? –No

Do I want to have a real date of Friday because I don’t have plans? –I want time to think about it.

The Necromancer claims I don’t need time to think about it, I know.

In my haste to get away, I consent.

"Your friend must have a sense of humor," says CrazyK.

The Hilarity of the Situation

CrazyK: "How is this happening? You're over there having amazing sex with a sexologist and I can't even get anyone to text me back."

Cue the 10 minutes of church giggles from me as I realized just how cliche we really are. Blondie, the model who is only interested in amazing sex, and me, the pathetic little romantic who keeps striking out looking for prince charming.

By the way: I've moved. Which is why I've grown silent. That, and also probably because I've had non-stop dating drama. Stories will come, I promise. I have men jumping over each other for my number it seems like everyday, and the few that I choose to humor with my attention seem to lose interest the second they get it. I keep asking myself (and anyone in the 50 mile radius) what's wrong with me for this to keep happening. I'm not naive, I know by reasonable deduction that the common denominator is me, so ergo I must be the problem. No one I've asked understands my romance problems either. They all assure me Im great and am doing nothing wrong. I'm just really really unlucky I guess.

-CrazyK